Moon Circle

Moon Circle: rediscover intuition, wildness and sisterhood

10 January, 2018

Ah, my friends! What an exciting day! My fourth book is out, and I’ve been told it’s my best yet. I know, for SURE, that it was both the most lovely and most emotionally intense one to write. It felt really different to all the others.

It wasn’t at all in my plans to start on another book last year just a couple of months after publishing Freedom Face. But in April I began a Patreon page, and this encouraging community that sprang up around me made me feel like I’d truly stepped into life as a writer. (I know, I know, so many words and still there is self-doubt.) I felt this deep urge to write about the thing that was making such an impact on me and Moon Circle was birthed in midnight sessions while the family slept.

Thank you to those of you that have been so supportive of all my random endeavors, lol,  thank you especially to my Patreons who literally allowed this book to happen, and to the sisters in my Moon Circle; what a privilege to share that sacred space with you.

And here it is!

Moon Circle: rediscover intuition, wildness and sisterhood

All over the world, women are discovering the power of sitting in sacred circles together. Let Lucy take you on a journey of connecting with yourself, the earth and your sisters. Moon Circle demystifies the process of setting up a circle up whilst keeping alive the magic and mysticism that pervades these gatherings of women.

Moon Circle’s combination of practical guidance and poetic imagery will help set your feet on your own path of rediscovering your intuition, your wildness and your tribe.

“As I read Moon Circle I felt as though I was sitting somewhere cosy with Lucy as she honestly shared her experiences from her first discovery of a women’s circle to the harvest of knowledge she now has from setting up her own circle and participating in many. Through story, humour and practical guidance Lucy offers us an inspiring guide to create and hold a Moon Circle so that women can gather to reclaim their ways.”
Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer, author of Wild Power: discover the magic of your menstrual cycle and awaken the feminine path to power (Hay House, 2017)

“Beautiful and evocative, down to earth and very accessible, so anyone could feel that they could start or be part of a circle.” Susan Durcan, Embodied Wholeness

Moon Circle Lucy Aitkenread

Buy as a PDF, an EPUB or on Amazon as a Kindle or paperback.

(The paperback is easily available to those in Europe and America and trickier for those worldwide – you have to buy through either Amazon.co.uk or Amazon.com and the shipping could be astronomical….)

GET MORE INVOLVED:

Join the Moon Circle Facebook live  – 10AM NZT Wednesday Morning (that’s Tuesday evening in UK)

I’d love you to share a link to my new book in anyway you can, even if it’s just with your Facebook friends.

Once you read the book I would LOVE you to give me a review on Amazon or Goodreads – this makes the job of selling books so SO so much easier!

For a little glimpse of what our Moon Circle entails take a look at today’s video:

Thank you so much! I feel like I need to sleep for a month now after all this excitement. Hehe.

Much love and stay radical!

Moon Circle

How to change your life

4 January, 2018

Ah, beautiful readers. I am approaching the day when I spill my guts! All about the thing that has been totally transformative for me over this last year. The thing that has made me more able to step into myself, my wild side, my intuition. The thing I can’t stop talking about so had to put it all down in writing! It’s the Moon Circle we began 18 months ago and it’s the single biggest thing that has changed my life since becoming a mother.

On Wednesday 10th January I’m launching the book, called, er, Moon Circle (just to keep things simple) and I wanted to let you know a little bit about it. I realise I have been far more shy and reticent about promoting Moon Circle compared to my other books and I think it’s because it articulates some of my deeper feelings and vulnerabilities in a way that my others don’t. So, today I am gathering up the boldness I’m going to need for the next week or so of putting it out there!
Moon Circle

Here are a few paragraphs from the Intro…

“Our Moon Circle is where we tell our stories to each other, where we take the sting out of the shame we’ve experienced, where we share tears over our griefs, and where we honour and bolster the dreams of each other’s hearts.

It’s a place where we know we belong, because we’ve seen each other’s shadows and we’re unafraid.

It’s a place where we practise trusting ourselves, speaking on instinct, and voicing our intuition – and then we see that trust bleed out of the Moon Circle, flooding our everyday lives.

I’ve written this little book because, almost every week for a year, I felt I wanted to respond to various women in a hundred different circumstance with the words “Oh! You need a Moon Circle!”. It’s all very well to think everyone should get to have one, but another thing for people to actually go out and make one happen. So I’m sharing our story: how we got our Circle off the ground; and all the things we do as part of it.

A Moon Circle is for you if you’ve ever struggled with a sense of belonging. It’s for you if you’ve ever been shamed or rejected, or made to feel small.  It’s for you if you feel you want to nourish your soul, but don’t want to be part of a religious institution. It’s for you if you have anger and hurt, and you need to vent in a safe place. It’s for you if you feel an urge to connect to the earth, but feel at a loss about where to begin. It’s for you if you have become skeptical of the ‘women-are-bitchy’ myth. It’s for you if you are tired of being respectable and acceptable.  It’s for you if you feel a sense of something burning within you, and you want to stoke that flame.”

Buy the book

I’m kicking off the book launch with the greatest price it’s ever going to be so do nab it in the first 3 days! You can buy it on your Kindle or Kobo or as a PDF or epub file from my website. (This one you are reading.) If you plan to buy on Kindle you can pre-order it here so that it arrives on publication day!

Join the Facebook Live on Wednesday
We had so much fun together on that Facebook Live when I launched Freedom Face, didn’t we! Hehe. I am going to do another Facebook Live on publication day, Wednesday 10th January at 9:30 NZT. I’d LOVE to see you there!

Spread the word

One of the most important things you can do to help me is spread the word! Please review it as soon as you can on Amazon or Good Reads. Share it in a relevant Facebook group or on your Facebook profile. These might seem like minor wee things but they make all the difference to an author with no marketing budget! Lots of you have done this for every book I’ve written and I am eternally grateful. Mucho slobbery, consenting smooches in advance.

In the meantime you might want to take a look at today’s Youtube video, all about the unschooling camp we had at our place over New Years.

Happy New Year to you. Thank you for continuing to support my work online, my aim for this year is to become even more abundant and generous with resources and helpful things! Much love to you. x x

writing

An absolute heart stopper!

16 December, 2017

I’m sitting in the library waiting for today’s Youtube to upload. Although we get wifi to the yurt it is slow like a sleepy snail slithering through Lavender Oil so on Youtube days I come into town.

I’ve been meaning to post here, on Lulastic, for days and days but because it’s been a while I feel like I need something deeply momentous to share. And, truth is? I got nuthin. I’ve been spilling my brain into all sorts of corners lately and today it feels like a string of those fairy lights that all hang down in the row, I mean, I guess they’re doing their job, lighting something, but so many loose threads! Jeez.

But then this old fella has pulled a seat up next to me. He just got an iPad and the librarian taught him how to use it. After a little set back “Google. Cars.” “No, CARS. you dipstick” he is now successfully on Google, googling all his favourite things and he is blown. away.

He’s every Granddad rolled into one. “Blimey! *laughs with glee* Goodness Gracious! All sorts on here!”

He’s every person coming across Google for the first time. “Oh, wow. This is incredible! They’ve got pictures of every electric car ever made!”

He’s every person who’s ever had a dream. “It’s showing me how to make my own electric car!”

He tells me he’s new to all this. I kinda got that. But his joy is absolutely infectious.

And I neeeeeed it. I need his infectious joy, especially about the internet! I’ve been feeling so internet-weary lately. I’ve been needing to drag myself to emails, to psyche myself up to do the normal everyday tasks that make up my job.lulastic

It’s true that too much time on social media makes it harder for me to be present. And it’s true that posting lots of really honest stuff makes me feel a little vulnerable or overexposed sometimes. And it’s certainly true that gardening lazily, painting badly and making very average mosaics is all stuff that brings me a different kind of life-fizz.

But, somehow in my head I’ve developed a dichotomy around the internet… about my internet stuff being hard and Must Do and, even maybe even, a little bit preventing my ultimate well-being. And everything off the internet being Virtuous.

Which, obviously, like many dichotomies, is bullsh*t.

The truth is that I need to hold my hands open loosely towards Everything. To let the good stuff settle in deep into my palms and let the life-sapping stuff sift away through my fingers. I need to use the internet to create (hey, my newest ebook all about Moon Circles is coming out in a couple of weeks! Hooray!) and be part of deep community. Not to scroll and answer every single comment I get on all my platforms. (They call that community, but it isn’t necessarily so. I do try and keep up with it, but often it prevents me creating and I need to be  mindful of that.)

I spent the whole of Tuesday just writing my HEAD OFF, on posts and books and the Parent Allies support group and I did a livestream on my Patreon all about parenting, and honestly?  It all Filled My Boots with energy. I felt transcendent afterwards. I was buzzing. Because, actually, the internet is neither good nor bad, it’s what you’re doing with it. Right? I know you know that. We all know that. But we forget and then we spend time doing silly things like checking the news all day to see if nuclear war has broken out.

So. There we go.

I thought I’d let you know some brilliant things going on all around the internet. (See how infectious this gentleman’s joy is?)

1- I made a beautiful calendar for Patreons, with the full moons and new moons and inspirational quotes from all my fave women and they are enjoying it and even sending it to print shops and that is making me so happy.  (Becoming a Patreon is open invite! I’m trying to make it win-win for everyone; you get to support my work and I get to create things for you.)Patreon Lulastic Calendar
2- This lovely, thoughtful post by the amazing Mel Wiggins all about handling the overconsumption and pressures of Christmas. I love Mel’s compassionate vibe, towards the earth, people, her children.

3- This say-it-like-it-is post by the brilliant Happiness is Here – reasons to scrap the naughty list!

4- The Sound of Music on Netflix. So good.

5- The On Being podcasts. They are just basically all wonderful.

6- The Hay House Meditations. I just pick and choose and have come across some absolutely beautiful ones. I listen while I water the garden.

7-  Lots of new stuff on my youtube channel! Just in case you’ve missed anything 😀

8- Some great tables over on Parent Allies, tables of our children’s developmental needs by Robin Grille and they are SO HELPFUL!

9-  There is ALOT of information about electric cars on the internet, my friend would want you to know. In fact, he’s just found ACTUAL VIDEOS of ELECTRIC QUAD BIKES. Being driven through town!

You would not believe it! This is just an absolute heart stopper.”

I hope we all get a little of his astonished glee sprinkled around all of our lives.

Much love and keep radical!

Featured, Parenting

Sixty Great Gift Ideas for Kids (that aren’t toys) 2017 – 2018

2 December, 2017

**This list of Gift Ideas for Kids has been Updated for 2016 – 2017**

We spent six months travelling around Europe in a campervan. We had a tiny stash of playthings and our three year old toddler Ramona thrived. She was a case study for how kids play in nature. She had a twig that would be a wand one minute, a baby the next, a spade in the morning and a guitar in the afternoon.

During that time I came to believe that too many toys can push a child’s imagination right under the bed and will eventually wreck the planet our children have got to enjoy for the rest of their lives. (Read my thoughts on that here.)

These days I think that rather than having such a negative view of toys we can just view them as one part of the big picture of childhood. As parents (or caring adults in a child’s life) we need to provide a nurturing environment that values fun, communal games, imagination play, art, creating, music, nature. Toys aren’t evil. They bring kids a whole heap of enjoyment, so let’s not be too harsh on them!

However, we all want to be that awesome adult that opens the doors a little more on a child’s imagination. We want to give a kid a gift that they will remember forever!BEST LIST EVER! Sixty Great gift Ideas for Kids- that aren't toys

Pin for later: Sixty Great Gift Ideas for Kids

This list of gift ideas for kids is for you. Whether it is for Christmas or a special birthday, this list has a unique and awesome non-toy gift for every child.

This is a crowd sourced list of gift ideas for kids. Using Twitter and Facebook I asked 6000 people: What is the best non-toy present you ever received as a kid?

Here are sixty ways to show you care, and for the most part they fire a child’s imagination and cause less havoc for the environment. Many of them are free, or cheap and plenty of them can be found in charity shops or secondhand stores. There is a common theme of taking children seriously- of trusting them and their abilities, of giving them tools to create.

(When a celebration is coming up and it’s a pressie-giving kind of time, I reckon a good, frank chat is the best starting point. The child/ parents have a better idea about what the child would enjoy/ needs like a hole in the head. But the second port of call should be this list, for sure. Bookmark it and share it with your family members!)

**New video** Here I share my favourite things from this list and add a few extra ones to the list – including the present we had handmade for Ramona’s sixth birthday! 

Here we go….

Gift Ideas for Kids – Tools & Equipment

I am reading “Escape from Childhood” by John Holt at the moment and the thing he is really convincing me of is how much kids NEED to be useful. Exactly like adults! They love to be taken seriously, to have serious implements and to be able to truly, genuinely help and build and be busy working. When considering gift ideas for kids we should think about great it must feel for them to open up proper tools and equipment.

1-A small fruit tree to grow and nurture.

2- Same goes with a proper hammer and nails. Throw in some wheels and planks and they’ll be set for days. or perhaps a toolbox filled with things were a massive hit; rope, screws, pulleys etc.

3- Sew them a baby sling for their dolls. Here is a tutorial for an easy sling for your toddler’s doll – it has never failed to please a tot in my experience!

4- Gardening equipment- a proper trowel, some organic slug killer and some seeds.

5- A greenhouse. A reader says “When I was 9 I got a greenhouse. To this day it is still my best Christmas present ever as I spent hours with my Grandad learning how to grow food.”

6- A pocket knife. Every kid age 4+ needs a good simple pocket knife, a lesson in using it safely (sitting down, striking away from you, with an adult in range) and a bit of wood to carve.Sixty Great Gift Ideas for kids - that aren't toys

7 – Cress seeds were specified for very young children- imagine helping to feed your family at only age 2?! Plus they pop up all year round and don’t take as much patience. You can also make them a head to grow them in so it looks like hair! Classic!

8- My sister put together a survival kit for her six year old son- a good rope, pegs and a tarpaulin for den making, camo paint, a good torch. Flipping heck, that was a hit.

9 – A wind up torch. Sustainable and fascinating for children. They especially love head torches.

10 – A good baking bowl, a whisk, some scales. Show them you have faith in their ability to make something yummy.

11- The ingredients to make something yummy! One reader explains about the special thing she did for Christmas “I once gave my daughter’s friend a bag filled with the ingredients, Christmas cutters and the recipe to make their own Christmas gingerbread. They loved it.”

12 – Kitchen implements- one tweeter is getting her 2.5 year old son a peeler with a big handle as he genuinely loves helping in the kitchen. One reader received a sieve when she was young and it was her favourite present ever. I think I might get my three year old a good grater- they are so fulfilled when they are doing something worthwhile. A garlic press was another great suggestion. And every kid needs an apron.

13- Their own cookery book. Several times a week Ramona picks something out of her cookery book and bakes it. She is five.

14 – Something to pull apart- give them a screw driver and an old type writer and the afternoon to take it to bits and explore its inners.

15- A rock tumbler. A reader explains “I loved collecting rocks when I was about 9- it was so cool being able to polish them!”

16 – A magnifying glass and a book of native Insects.

17 – A microscope “I spent months finding things to look at and getting family members to guess what it was- the best was tiny slivers of onion skin.”

18 – Binoculars – plus a guide to bird and wildlife. We just bought a pair for our eight year old neighbour and you have pretty much never seen a kid more excited!!!!

19 – A calligraphy pen, nibs and ink. “I was given these age ten, and shown how to use it. I still have it!”

20 – A DIY science kit. Or DIY anything kit really!

Gift Ideas for Kids – Art and creating

The emphasis here is on good quality stuff. Just like adults, children deserve to work with good quality materials. It is frustrating scrawling on crap paper with crayons that barely make a mark. Seeing the vivid colours of acrylic paint on canvas is much more likely to stoke a child’s passion for creating art, no? These gift ideas for kids might just stoke your own memories of receiving creative crafty pressies.

21- A ball of bright coloured, good wool and instructions for finger knitting will open up a whole new meditative world.

22- Ingredients for DIY porcelain clay- a little box with corn flour and bicarb and instructions. They’ll love the making and the shaping.

23- Proper non toxic acrylic paint, high quality watercolours, and proper paintbrushes.

24 – A good quality sketch book. These are unbeatable in terms of art – acrylic and watercolours just feel and look magical with beautiful thick absorbent paper.

25- A selection of blank canvases and an easel.

26- A candle making kit. (I have made candles since I was 11 when I got my first kit and loved it. And the only fire I caused was when I was 22 and being VERY experimental. Just a shame the fire happened on my future in laws dining table.)

27 – More kits: A perfume making kit – what a cool way to learn about chemicals and stuff.

28 – A sewing machine. I got my first when I was 12 and after a fairly quick lesson from my Aunty have seen ever since. Or even just a hand sewing kit with fabric, needles and threads.

29 – How about these wonderful chalkboard puppets? Handmake some chalkboard blocks and give them along with some chalk and then, the best bit, PLAY TOGETHER!

30 -A box of craft materials that is all their own- ribbon, pipe cleaners, beads, buttons, fimo etc. Red Ted Art has a lot of gift ideas for kids in the form of arts and craft gift boxes.

31 – Jars of homemade playdough and a box of cutters and tools (found in secondhand shops.)

32 – A box. It was the third best gift, suggested by over thirty people! The best explanation comes from reader, Clare “The best ‘present’ I ever got was a great big cardboard box. I made it into a house and played in it for YEARS. The best thing about it was that my parents got really involved in it- my mum made curtains for it and they never complained about having a tatty old hoc in the living room and let me keep it as long as I wanted.”

Sixty Great Gift Ideas for Kids

Gift Ideas for Kids – Music and Culture

33- A mixtape – burn a cd with a selection of fun songs. Ramona has been given some of these and they are her favourite gift by a mile. I have gone on to make them for other children and my kids have helped select the tunes. So cool.

34 – Audiobooks- Roald Dahl stories are fantastic and tantalise imaginative minds.

35- A subscription to a magazine such as National Geographic. A reader explains how she felt about her subscription given to her by her neighbour age six, “At first, we just looked at the pictures but I read more each year as I grew. In our sleepy village,nit was a very welcome window into different cultures. And I always felt very grown up and acknowledged when I read them.”

36- Instruments! A good drum, maracas, a ukelele. A good xylophone. The brain patterns used in music are the same as those used in maths so giving kids the tools to create music is important. And fun. But make sure they are GOOD- in tune etc or children will lose interest.

37 – A song. Rope people in to help you, friends to strum chords on the guitar. Record it on YouTube and send it to them! We have done this a few times, it’s weird and fun. Write your own or just change a few lyrics to an existing one.

38 – Investment in a creative venture- for example Hadar Manor is crowd funding her new album and in return for contributing you can get anything from a shout out on the album to a personalised song, written sung and recorded for you.

39 – A poem. No, really, really! How special, for a kid to have their own poem. Written on beautiful paper. For them to treasure.

40 – A story. Ramona and Juno’s Grandad has written them both a story, printing it out into a book and gluing in photos.  It was about cats. They LOVE their personalised stories! How about writing a story about them? Or drawing a comic featuring them? It doesn’t need to be about them.

41- Lost My Name team sent Ramona and Juno personalised books featuring their name. The stories are totally unique, funny and the illustration is cracking without any rubbish gender stereotypes.

42- Books, books and more books. This was the most popular response by miles. The child especially enjoys receiving a book with meaning- one mum explains “her eyes light up when I say “this is something I loved when I was little, and I thought you’d like me to read it to you.”

43- Last Christmas we were living on the other side of the world to my husbands family. They sent over a book that they had recorded the story into- Ramona loves hearing the voices of her Grandparents, Aunties and Uncles reading to her.

44- A photo album or scrap book. Reader Sally explains that her three year old loves these.

Sixty Great Gift Ideas For Kids - that aren't toys!

Gift Ideas for Kids- Experiences

Days out were probably the second top answer after “box!” Kids love hanging out doing stuff with people who love them, and memories last WAY longer than toys. If giving an experience that doesn’t already come in the form of a card or voucher, draw them up a personalised one that they can open. It feels so much more exciting! These are gift ideas for kids that keep on giving WAY after they have been cashed in.

45 – A season pass or vouchers to something- an outdoor play area, a private woods such as Westonburt or a wildlife lark or donkey sanctuary.

46- A micro love bomb- let them have a whole evening hanging out with you, doing WHATEVER they want. Like, really, anything. (Based on Oliver James’ miraculous Love Bomb idea- a whole weekend to reset connection and attachment.)

47- A micro adventure- grab a tent, pack a little gas cooker and have a night in the local woods. Even London has accessible woods you can do this in.

48 – A visit to stables to ride on a horse- Ramona adored this for her third birthday. A reader adds that when she was seven she was given a Shetland pony-owning day “7 year old heaven!”

49 – Sew them something magnificent for their fancy dress box –  a mermaid outfit or a pair of wings- see a tutorial for easy toddler wings here, you could make them any size.Sixty Great Gift Ideas for Kids

50 – A tent and sleeping bags to camp out in the garden.

51 – A day out in a big city- the museums, a picnic, feeding the skanky pigeons, climbing the towers.

52- A voucher for a den building afternoon. Take wood, hammers and nails and build a fort together in the local woods.

53- A course. Six weeks of a children’s photography or pottery or dance classes.

54- Adopt a whale/ dog/ monkey. This is a delightful idea, the child has a sense of investment with an animal and they can make a real difference for a charity.

55- A box of second hand clothes and costume jewellery for a fancy dress department. One Tweeter said the stash she was given included a WEDDING DRESS. Brilliant.

56- An experience for a baby- a jar of threaded beads, jewels and shells for them to shake and look at.

57- And another idea for a baby- a box of tissues entirely theirs to pull out. (This is probably my favourite of them all- even at seven months old Juno has worked out how to undo the lid of the baby wipes and delights in pulling them out.)

58 – Organise a visit with a local craftsperson or skilled person.Imagine spending an hour with a beekeeper or on a tractor or hammering nails with a builder or watching an artist blowing glass or making cheese or something more specific the child loves! You could give a box of beers to the tradesperson in exchange! One reader had a day of work experience at a farm when she was a child and she cherishes that memory.

59- Car booting/ junk store shopping. Write a voucher and include ten smackeroonies and set a date and go and find the most obscure antiques you can! We bought tap shoes at a junk store for both our kids- unbelievable amounts of entertainment!!!

60- Fruit picking. One of my most treasured childhood memories is of going strawberry picking with my Nana and Grandad when I was small. I remember my Nana stuffing her face, the red juice dribbling down her chin. She was an upright, honest citizen but I think she thought eating them as you go was part of the deal! Traditional activities like this are magical – I could almost make a list of gift ideas for kids based entirely on old skool chores. Ha!

Sixty Great Gift Ideas for Kids

***

What an epic, epic list of gift ideas for kids. Thanks to everyone for sharing your ideas and stories. I am inspired and have my kid’s Christmas gifts sorted: a grater for Ramona and a box for Juno.

May your Christmas and birthday celebrations be ever imaginative and may you become a gift rockstar in the eyes of the children in your life!!!

PS We are blogging from a yurt in a forest in NZ these days – follow through Facebook or Instagram and keep up with our Youtube updates:

PPS If you are looking for creative gifts for mums and dad please check out my book 30 Days of Rewilding – designed to help families find their place amongst nature.

PPPS Check out the comments below for more gift ideas for kids – this is an organic, evolving list with people adding to it constantly via the comments!

Pin for Later:Sixty Gifts for kids that aren't toys. Amazing ideas for non toy gifts.

Sixty Great Gift ideas for Kids - that aren't toys!

Featured, Parenting

A home with no rules (we have these six things instead)

26 October, 2017

Every so often I look about me and think does this happen in other homes?  Six year old Ramona will be dipping her scalp in some mud out the window and four year old Juno will be picking through the pantry popping special ingredients into the smoothie maker, or it’ll be past 10pm and we’ll all be in bed and Juno will be in the lounge painting a magnificent, meticulous rainbow on her teddy’s tummy.

And I’ll remind myself it’s not like there’s a rulebook, is there? HA. (Is there???)

But there is, some are written down and some are just contained within our minds – rules about propriety and appropriate bedtimes and when and where exactly the fun should be had.

And it’s strange because humans thrive without rules. The dignity of a rule-less environment helps us step our game up, allows our natural respect and watchfulness come to the fore.

There have been experiments in various settings around the world – the school playground that threw out the rules and saw a steep drop in bullying or the town that gave up road rulebook and saw the death toll drop to zero.

One of the reasons we have chosen a rule-free home is because we want our children to bring their hearts and minds to each situation, to discover a trust in themselves, rather than leaning on whatever random authority is looming over them that day. We want them to engage deeply with their environment, to connect authentically with the people around them and all of that is made trickier if they are required to live under a set of (often quite arbitrary) rules.

We also deeply believe that our role as parents isn’t to control our children, it is to create an environment where they can blossom into the people they are. Humans are at their very worst when we try and coerce, manipulate and control the actions of others. It shouldn’t be a part of parenting! A home without rules gives us room to flourish and to focus on the most important thing – our relationship with one another.

After posting this Youtube video yesterday about whether we were a”feral family” and then watching a few clips of the same named TV show in the UK I was lying in bed trying to have a full on analysis of our family life. Did we truly have no rules?  I scanned our day from waking to sleeping and concluded that yeah, indeed, we are a family with no rules.

But in my thinking it became apparent that there is not a gaping cavern where the rules should be. Instead there is a bunch of stuff that helps us all be our best selves.

Here’s what we have instead of rules. They can’t really be a pik n mix – they all relate to each other. You can’t have “honest conversation” without “connection” or “a healthy view about mistakes” without “good self-care”…
a home with no rules

1-  Connection. If I have *one* word that sums up my parenting it is connection. I feel it almost as a tangible thread between myself and my daughters and I can feel when it wears thin, I can sense when it is strong.  I take every opportunity I can to build this love-filled relationship with my daughters – including toilet time. I cannot imagine having no rules in a home where this connection is not there. I imagine all members to fizzing around, with no orientation or grounding, grazing each other’s elbows and knees. Our connectedness – our play and laughter and cuddles and random conversation- is the foundation for our whole family life.

2-A healthy view of mistakes. Rules, and the punitive measures taken when they are broken, are a stupid way to view mistakes. Jeez. Failing, and failing well, is an important part of being human! It makes me feel sick that there are kids growing up out there who are punished for failing – they will spend their whole life unable to take beautiful risks, in creative jail simply for being raised in a home that can’t handle mistakes. We aim to be chill when messes are made, stuff gets broken, people get hurt because we all make mistakes and we can ONLY learn from them when were are given the chance to, shame free.

3- Good self-care. You know when I find it hard to have a healthy view of mistakes? When I am strung out, tired, overtouched. Me-time is not selfish, it is the key to good parenting!  Audre Lorde says  “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare” and it’s true! We can’t raise authentic, empathetic humans if we aren’t kind to ourselves. This whole no-rules thing requires us to be our most patient and joyful selves.  Just yesterday I wrote about how self-care is the second step towards becoming a Parent Ally and here are 60 acts of self-care for busy parents. 

4- A family culture. I loved this article about the main thing that builds resilience in children. Apparently it is the presence of a family narrative, the children having a sense of the family history and values and it being a story that ebbs and flows in success and failure. We talk alot. We tell the stories of mine and Tim’s lives, the girls birth stories, stories about our grandparents. We have rituals – we have a pot of questions that we pull out and ask each other at dinner, we light candles and say things we are thankful for, we go on family walks each evening. All of this is opt-in, and sometimes the girls opt out – although for many of the things they came up with the idea so they are keen beans! All of this builds our family culture, a safe place, a unit of values that we are all co-creating.

5- Honest conversation in an environment of trust and respect. Oh, how we talk! We talk and talk! Ohhh, boy, we talk. And this, perhaps more than anything, takes the place of rules.

ME “Oh hey, girls, I see there’s a sign about no throwing balls on this lawn. Hmmm.”
RAMONA “what, why, why is that there?”
ME “Maybe they are worried about windows?”
RAMONA “Or maybe they don’t like balls?
JUNO “Or kids?”
ME “They might have a bunch of reasons its a good idea to put a sign up saying “NO BALLS. What should we do.”
JUNO “Play over there?”
RAMONA “I wanna play here.”
ME “Hmm, you really wanna play here.”
RAMONA “Yeah. How about we play until we get told off?”
ME “That could work. Or we could play that ball game where we sit on the ground and roll it?”
(and on for another ten minutes…)

Whenever there are rules, I raise them and we talk about them. We have agreed strategies when there are rule-based places we go to regularly. They are engaged in this idea that we have a very rule-based society and it’s pretty awesome to see them developing their own wisdom and consciousness about it all.

Here in New Zealand we try and observe Maori protocol, a common one of which is not to sit on tables that serve food. We could make it “a rule” or we could just remind them every time, and have a big conversation about it, and usually it goes down okay because the conversation is taking place in an environment of trust and respect. I trust that their hearts and intentions are good. I respect them as people. I respect their choices. And (not all of the time, but most!) it’s mutual.

6- A guiding principle. We’ve no rules but we have a guiding principle and that is “We don’t hurt each other or things around us” and it’s a principle we have come to together, through discussion. It’s something we all raise with each other when needed and it can be helpful for the sibling relationship and when friends come over to play, it also relates to how we all try and be in the world more generally – kind to our community and the earth around us.  I’ve been enjoying Gretchen Rubin’s podcast lately and she’s been speaking about the 4 different temperaments and there are a whole load of people out there who seem to enjoy having some stiffer parameters for life.  Perhaps you are one of them, or your children are – this still doesn’t mean you get to impose rules on your family. It means you are invited to cocreate a healthy framework, some bottomlines or guiding principles.

So there we go. No rules… but our kids don’t fling all the libraries books off the shelves or strip naked and paint themselves blue at the museum kid’s area (only in the comfort of their own home!)

I’d love to hear from you.

Do you have things instead of rules? Have you discovered a co-creation of guiding principles?

Feminism

Dear daughters

12 October, 2017

I just found out it was International Day of the Girl yesterday, which is interesting because all day somewhere in the back of my head I had a leaking lament as we bustled from library to supermarket to home for dinner which was deconstructed sushi (I forgot to buy seaweed.) I’m not surprised it passed me by, these last few days I’ve been this tearful mix of exhausted and restless, I’ve hardly known what day of the week it is, let alone what Day of the International whatcha it might be.  Ramona and Juno have just made a narrow mountain ridge of mattresses and pillows and are jumping off their bunk on to it. I bid them good luck and sit down to spill these words.

 

Daughters of mine.

May I never tell you shush.

May I absorb your corrective “ACTUALLY, mum”  with grace.

 

May I be present

to your bombastic roars and your full body rages on the floor.

May I say “Mmmhmmm” appreciatively

in the dead of night

when you float a theory about Barbie’s Secret Door.

 

May I nod at your spun-out animal facts and labyrinth speeches

that last from breakfast to lunch and beyond and

may I squeeze Tim’s hand that he too might hold his tongue when you “ACTUALLY, dad” him.

 

May I make room for you in our dinner party conversation

ask you for your thoughts

like I might an honoured guest.

 

May I deep-breathe and tea-drink when you are in a mood for singing Avril Lavigne

at the top of your voice and I

am not.

 

May I de-brief with you when your friends say shut up and

may I not see it as a blight on your character when your face becomes a screaming mouth to be heard and

may I not see it as a blight on your character when you warrior-pose on the roof of the car with the last packet of toffee-pops begging to be seen.

 

May I answer your army of marching questions with all the truth I hold and

may I even beat the drum to keep your queries soldiering on.

 

May I swallow my shushes,

bite on my tongue,

fill my ears with the

sweet

audacious

sound

of

you.

 

For if, the research is right, you’ve only a few years left

of being freely opinionated.

 

A few more summers where

you feel able to bloom so boldly.

A few more winters where

your femaleness doesn’t freeze your voice.

 

Nine times less likely than a boy to speak up in class.

Four times lower the self-esteem.

Twice as likely to be insulted for showing  leadership.

 

One day the world will want you to be small.

Today I will give you all the space you need to be big.

 

dear daughters of mine

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