My chest is fizzing and my tooth is throbbing. I hack out a cough and drop my head to ease the worry my shoulders are holding.
I push my nails around this rash I’ve got. It’s a political rash. It arrived last week when I heard mining operations had begun on our mountain. And then it ebbed when Corbyn did so well in the UK. (YAY CORBYN AND YOUNG PEOPLE!) Like it disappeared for the whole day. Then the DUP turned up and my rash came back. Someone tell me you’ve had a political rash before? It’s real itchy. And symmetrical.
There’s an ache in my throat because I shot a lot of footage on Sunday and then deleted it all accidentally as I left the house before dawn this morning. I’m holding back my tears because it seems pathetic to be so sad about that.
I am sad about that.
It was exciting to be up on the mountain with Protect Karangahake and a hundred other people protesting the mine. And I’d captured the feel of it and was so ready to share it with people. And then on the way out this morning, heading up the mountain again, this time to try and stop the miners from going to work, a blur of sleepiness made me hit Erase All On Card.
But I guess, underneath it all, if I admit it, which I’m not wont to do because I am trying to see our mountain activism as privilege and an honour, rather than a drag, perhaps I’m sad about the mining.
I’m wracked about living in one of the countries most well known for being clean and green, and they can’t even keep their exploitative hands out of Conservation land. The only parts of the country we have marked off as being out of bounds from destructive capitalism. Being destroyed.
I’m wracked about the disconnection between humankind and the earth. That there are millions of people who feel fine about ravaging mountains. Mountains! The jewelled crowns of earth.
And in amongst this grief is this fidgeting sense of having too much to do (the mining, my writing, the parenting stuff – ohhhh, the parenting stuff! People are supporting me on Patreon to do parenting stuff and my whole brain and body is in earth warrior mode and there is guilt around that. For sure.) There’s not enough time to do it and I can’t focus and I’m useless but I’m really not hello I got up before the larks but it still feels like all my energy is dust and I feel like saying sorry to everyone. Sorry for being rubbish.
So maybe I’m just sad today.
Someone told me last week that they would never have guessed I had bad, loose-my-shiz days from the internet. I was gutted to hear that as I try REALLY hard to kick out any pedestals set up for me and other mamas on the internet. I only ever want to be completely real and honest.
But thinking about it, I NEVER type when I’m really feeling all the emotions. My writing then comes out in illegible Biro on journal pages my children have already felt tip penned all over. Black scratchings of mind monsters that can’t be read, least of all understood.
So. Here you go. Pedestal builders.
Today I’m sad.
(Sorry for not meeting your expectations.)
It may be because of my video footage, or maybe because of the mountain, or my uselessness. Maybe it’s because every so often sadness swells up in us like the squalls of wind that toss up the burnt leaves in autumn and it’s a seasonal thing. And we welcome it as an honoured guest, a guide. And all that. Yeah.
(Not sarcastic thanks. Real thanks. Honest. Several times a day I remind myself being human is a guest house…)
And, well. HAhahaha. After all that. Here’s my video about the protest. My friend took some great video on the day and I have used it in here. It’s not the same but still captures it. And I still feel sad. So there you go.