writing

I’m sad today

15 June, 2017

My chest is fizzing and my tooth is throbbing. I hack out a cough and drop my head to ease the worry my shoulders are holding.

I push my nails around this rash I’ve got. It’s a political rash. It arrived last week when I heard mining operations had begun on our mountain. And then it ebbed when Corbyn did so well in the UK. (YAY CORBYN AND YOUNG PEOPLE!) Like it disappeared for the whole day. Then the DUP turned up and my rash came back. Someone tell me you’ve had a political rash before? It’s real itchy. And symmetrical.

There’s an ache in my throat because I shot a lot of footage on Sunday and then deleted it all accidentally as I left the house before dawn this morning.  I’m holding back my tears because it seems pathetic to be so sad about that.

I am sad about that.

It was exciting to be up on the mountain with Protect Karangahake and a hundred other people protesting the mine. And I’d captured the feel of it and was so ready to share it with people.  And then on the way out this morning, heading up the mountain again, this time to try and stop the miners from going to work,  a blur of sleepiness made me hit Erase All On Card.

But I guess, underneath it all, if I admit it, which I’m not wont to do because I am trying to see our mountain activism as privilege and an honour, rather than a drag, perhaps I’m sad about the mining. karangahake conservation land from mining

I’m wracked about living in one of the countries most well known for being clean and green, and they can’t even keep their exploitative hands out of Conservation land.  The only parts of the country we have marked off as being out of bounds from destructive capitalism. Being destroyed.

I’m wracked about the disconnection between humankind and the earth.  That there are millions of people who feel fine about ravaging mountains. Mountains! The jewelled crowns of earth.

And in amongst this grief is this fidgeting sense of having too much to do (the mining, my writing, the parenting stuff – ohhhh, the parenting stuff! People are supporting me on Patreon to do parenting stuff and my whole brain and body is in earth warrior mode and there is guilt around that. For sure.) There’s not enough time to do it and I can’t focus and I’m useless but I’m really not hello I got up before the larks but it still feels like all my energy is dust and I feel like saying sorry to everyone. Sorry for being rubbish.

Ohhhh.

So maybe I’m just sad today.

Someone told me last week that they would never have guessed I had bad, loose-my-shiz days from the internet. I was gutted to hear that as I try REALLY hard to kick out any pedestals set up for me and other mamas on the internet. I only ever want to be completely real and honest.

But thinking about it, I NEVER type when I’m really feeling all the emotions. My writing then comes out in illegible Biro on journal pages my children have already felt tip penned all over. Black scratchings of mind monsters that can’t be read, least of all understood.

So. Here you go. Pedestal builders.

Today I’m sad.

(Sorry for not meeting your expectations.)

It may be because of my video footage, or maybe because of the mountain, or my uselessness. Maybe it’s because every so often sadness swells up in us like the squalls of wind that toss up the burnt leaves in autumn and it’s a seasonal thing. And we welcome it as an honoured guest, a guide. And all that. Yeah.
~

“This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
 
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.”

(Thanks Rumi.)

(Not sarcastic thanks. Real thanks. Honest. Several times a day I remind myself being human is a guest house…)

~

And, well. HAhahaha. After all that. Here’s my video about the protest. My friend took some great video on the day and I have used it in here. It’s not the same but still captures it. And I still feel sad. So there you go.

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28 Comments

  • Reply Deb 15 June, 2017 at 7:12 am

    This was such a great post and really rang true with me today. I’m feeling sad today for what seem many trivial reasons – none of them are at all important, especially inlight the tradgdy in London today. Sadest thing of all is I can’t hear my children laughing upstairs and my sad mood has rubbed off on my husband too – so we are both being a bit grumpy with the kids ☹️. Mediation has taught me that there is always blue sky above the dark clouds but it is always reassuring to hear some real feelings from someone you respect. Keep the great posts coming, thank you

    • Lucy
      Reply Lucy 15 June, 2017 at 10:46 am

      Thank you Deb, sending love to you and resilience to be under those grey clouds for a while. xx

  • Reply Nicole 15 June, 2017 at 9:02 am

    Ahh Lucy, I’m sending love from Auckland. Some days are just bloody harder than others. PLEEEEASE don’t feel any guilt or expectation about Patreon, you have already made such a difference in people’s lives. I’m an unschooler who had never heard of gentle or respectful parenting (I know, weird right! ) But just didn’t come to unschooling from an attachment parenting journey. Then I saw you leading a group circle at the Tribe Off grid and Ramona just wanted.your.attention.now. You picked her up and played a quick game of chase while still leading the talk and lovingly met her need and she then came and cuddled with you until it finished. I had never seen that before and it has literally changed the way I parent. I guess what I’m trying to say is that you are doing important, wonderful things even when you don’t realise it. x

    • Lucy
      Reply Lucy 15 June, 2017 at 10:48 am

      Oh, jeez *weeps a little*
      Thank you so so so much for your comment Nicole. Hope to hang out at another camp soon x x

  • Reply Jenna 15 June, 2017 at 10:10 am

    I’m not glad that you’re sad but I am glad that you are human xxxxxxxxx

    • Lucy
      Reply Lucy 15 June, 2017 at 10:48 am

      Thank you Jenna x x x x x

  • Reply Amz 15 June, 2017 at 10:27 am

    I kinda don’t usually write comments like “hugs” cause it seems a little empty in place of a real, actual hug…..but please know that as I write “hugs” to you now, I am fully visualising giving you a great big, solid, soft hug..and then putting the kettle on for a cuppa….hugs xx

    • Lucy
      Reply Lucy 15 June, 2017 at 10:49 am

      I totally feel your arms Amz!!! Thank you so much, you’ve given so much support to me this week and I am real grateful. x x x

  • Reply Emma - a simple living journey 15 June, 2017 at 2:28 pm

    Dear Lucy,
    Im sorry to hear today is a sad day, they suck dont they? When all the thoughts come crashing in, despite our efforts to be greatful and remember the good and the beautiful in life….sometimes we need to aknowledge the sad.

    I’m glad you posted this post – not because your sad, that sucks. Because on this big wide web there is a lack of authenitcity. There are so many happy snaps, “how to” and a real lack of people aknowledging thay are simply sitting in a difficult place. I have a small blog – nothing like this and aim to always be real, to show the un-staged photos. I love to blog, to record our life for our family, the ordinary stuff. But everytime I sit to blog at the moment, my mind wanders and I’m listless. There seems to be alot of bloggers feeling like this at the moment. We are trashing the world, exploiting poor people to get cheap products, looking to buy “stuff” to make us happy, reading “how to” make our homes perfectly styled, our bodies slim, our hair shiny, our children are suffering mental halth problems more frequently and earlier then ever…..I want to scream at the world – “THERE ARE PEOPLE AND SPECIES DYING FOR THIS!!!! DOES IT REALLY MATTER?!” but instead I go to my little old run down cottage, snuggle my babies and feel like at this moment it is all too “big”….. I wont always, I will find my spark, and pull up my big girl pants and keep marching. But today I have bronchitis, Im tired, and my heart hurts for the things I see but cannot change.

    But thankyou for your gentle blog, you always make me think, and strive to heal from the things that trigger me not to be the parent I want to be with my beautiful boys.

    Much love,
    xx
    Emma – a simple living journey recently posted…Choices.My Profile

    • Lucy
      Reply Lucy 16 June, 2017 at 4:59 pm

      Hi Emma
      Oh, jeez, thank you so much for your comment! I am so excited about reading your blog, it seems right up my alley.
      Yes, I think that all of that stuff adds to a malaise. When there is big stuff going on in the world our “how tos” can seem quite pathetic. (Even though I think craft and things has a really important place in the world:D)
      xxxxx

  • Reply Sarah 15 June, 2017 at 5:44 pm

    Please don’t feel guilty around Patreon. I am supporting you because of all that you have already done in supporting my parenting, I have no expectations of what you will write next. Patreon should just enable you to carry on as you are and definitely not add more pressure.

    • Lucy
      Reply Lucy 16 June, 2017 at 5:00 pm

      Oh, thank you Sarah. I do feel like lots of people feel that, and then maybe others not. I guess the first six months people will figure out if they are happy supporting me to do what I do and they will just leave if not, and I just need to be okay with it 😀

  • Reply Michelle 15 June, 2017 at 6:11 pm

    Ditto what SARAH said^^

    • Lucy
      Reply Lucy 16 June, 2017 at 5:01 pm

      Thank you soooo much. So good to hear!

  • Reply Jo 15 June, 2017 at 6:54 pm

    I just want to reiterate what Sarah has so eloquently written above. And to send love and to say thank you for all the help and support you do provide. No pressure xx

    • Lucy
      Reply Lucy 16 June, 2017 at 5:01 pm

      Oh my goodness, thank you, these comments are setting my heart a flutter. Wowzers.

  • Reply Kumari linley 15 June, 2017 at 10:08 pm

    Sending you love Lucy. Thank you for being vulnerable, brave, sad and human. I am so honoured to support you on Patreon and love that you are in earth warrior mode….surely this is the sacred midwife of gentle Mama mode. You just keep honouring all parts of you…the dark Goddess and the light….and know that the sisterhood has your back in sadness and in joy. On many a sad day your writing has buoyed this Mama. Xxx

    • Lucy
      Reply Lucy 16 June, 2017 at 5:02 pm

      Hey Kumari, ohhhhh, thank you. I am seriously feeling a bit weepy to get all this support! Thank you so so so so so so much for all of your support over the years and this new phase of supporting me on Patreon. You are a ROCK!!!

      • Lucy
        Reply Lucy 16 June, 2017 at 5:03 pm

        When are you going to pop over to NZ?!

        • Reply Kumari linley 16 June, 2017 at 11:25 pm

          You are soooooo welcome. I feel supporting you on Patreon is the least I can do.

          We are leaving our Blue Mountain idyll for some of the winter too, and heading back to London for most of July. And then Matthew is music examining in NZ in August, so Henry and I are meeting him in Wellington at the end of August. Think you’re still going to be in London then aren’t you? We will be back in sunnier times for sure. And of course if you four ever come to Oz, definitely come to the Blue Mountains…such an amazing little community of artists, healers, activists and gentle parents….I feel as though I’ve dreamt this place up!…you can all stay in Henry’s room….he has a tree house of a bunk bed…and he never sleeps in it! Xxx

          • Lucy
            Lucy 17 June, 2017 at 9:03 am

            Okay, we willtry and visit soon! Yep, we don’t get back until September x

  • Reply Julia 16 June, 2017 at 12:12 am

    Love from my Side… You are brave and kind Human! If sad days are not there we never knew the excitement of our happy days…and your writing is Cool 🙂
    Julia recently posted…Secret White Converse Outfit Collection 2017My Profile

    • Lucy
      Reply Lucy 16 June, 2017 at 5:03 pm

      Thank you Julia 😀 Much love to you!

  • Reply Dawn 16 June, 2017 at 10:52 am

    Great post! Very relatable. I’m sad about the mining too but loved your energy on Sun. X

    • Lucy
      Reply Lucy 16 June, 2017 at 5:08 pm

      Thanks Dawn – did we meet? Would love to next time (forgive me if we have already. I was in a super focused zone on Sunday!)

      • Reply Dawn 16 June, 2017 at 5:18 pm

        No, I just observed/stalked from amid the mob (and was fairly absorbed by daughter who didn’t particularly like the shouting or the uphill, haha). Hopefully another time!

        • Lucy
          Reply Lucy 17 June, 2017 at 9:04 am

          Hhaha. Yep, hope to meet you one day!

  • Reply Dawn 16 June, 2017 at 10:53 am

    PS – hate losing footage! Or saving over creative stuff

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