My husband is a lovely writer, and a fabulous daddy, and has been on quite a journey with the attachment fatherhood stuff. I thought it would be WICKED to get his perspective on some of it all for this blogdiggidy. He agreed! What a LEDGE. So here he is, an intro post, on parenting by instinct.
Ramona is coming up 2 years old now. I can’t actually believe how fast those years have gone. It seems like only yesterday that I was looking in awe and wonder at Lucy’s growing tummy, trying to get my mind around the fact that a little life is growing in there. I remember the moments when Ramona’s head crowned, followed by her tiny little body into the arms of the midwife. While I was busy wide eyed exclaiming that we have a little girl, Lucy’s hands were already reaching back through her legs instinctively for this little life that was now newly apart from her. “Give her to me.” A mother and her daughter after a very long labour, that time completely forgotten melting into one another.
That just brought a tear to my eye. So lovely to hear an honest opinion that’s not too gushy about attachment parenting. Some of the things I read make me feel bad for not being overjoyed that this little boobygrub does not want to leave my side for a second and really, I would just like to sit, childfree for 10 mins! However, it shows that there are other parents out there just following their gut and their childs needs.
I really look forward to reading more and will be getting the mister to have a gander.
Oh cool Jenna. Do that, let him know other daddies do it and even have moments of doubt!
Thanks Tim- nice to hear a little picture of things from your perspective.
We’ve got a beautiful little monkey, 18 months now, and it certainly has been an adventure parenting in a way that you didn’t think you were going to, and that doesn’t quite fit in with the worlds way of doing things. I love it and it’s great.
So bit of a personal question, in a very public space, but in terms of getting going with attachment parenting was this: your joint decision, something you fell into by accident, your decision or Lucys decision?
You mention the ‘jealous desire to have my Lucy to myself’ – who feels that most, you or Lucy, and any ideas why?
Thanks for the blog-love that you’re getting the thoughts out and keep up the lovely writing 🙂
Lucy & Tim, Ramona has the MOST amazing, thoughtful, loving, carefree, contented, happy,clever etc. Lucky Ramona and lucky us to know you and your family. X
Waaah thanks Geraldine, you are truly the sweetest!
So cute!
Flip, aren’t they? The pair of em…
Hi Caleb, i think your description of the parenting conundrum is a very good one. It sort of sums up the tension that I have felt regularly in terms of decision making.
The decision to patent in an ‘attached’ way undeniably came from Lucy. She’s very much the thoughtful well read individual where most of my decisions are more based on popular culture and ‘accepted norms’. What I lack in ability to be avante guard I make up in honest reflection and ability to acknowledge an idea more appropriate than my own (most of the time).
My jealous inclinations are certainly more mine than Lucy’s. We had our first outing together, just the two of us for a whole movie a month or so ago. I felt that I really needed it. Perhaps lucy less so. I don’t know, maybe it’s something to do with the idea that I ascertain my value from others more so than lucy does. So where I was previously the sole apple of her eye, I now share that affection. The s word comes into it too but I won’t mention that to prevent my mother in law fainting. It’s all a bit harder innit.
On another tack, a bit of a funny feeling was that for the first 4-6 months my love for Ramona seemed to be directed toward making lucy happy and comfortable. It took me a long time to really be able to express that directly to Ramona. Did any other partners feel that?
Enjoy your monkey of an 18 month old. Genuinely precious.
Thanks Tim! Sorry for the delay in replying! Busy couple of weeks…
Yes- I get all that….the tension of pleasing your wife by doing the practical things. Weird dynamic of biting your tongue and feelIng a little displaced, as most other dads I know tend to have evenings with their wife. Well done with the cinema. I feel spoilt- I think I’ve had 3 nights out. Not managed a non family babysitter but working on that- keep that between us though eh!
I felt pretty privileged to be the one that our monkey would fall asleep on, so thankfully the connection was there early doors. I’d find myself singing away with her, and that would be our moment together. Gave me an incredible connection, as I knew how to soothe. I’m still the main sleeper helper. I didn’t have breasts but I knew how she slept.
Loved having a chat recently with a child psychologist about the different stages of growth in a child, and although clearly the breast is still just about the favourite toy for our monkey, I do feel like its becoming more of a two person thing (not the breast) but the ‘input’ from a males perspective.
Been especially interesting reflecting where we’ve both come from in respect to our own parenting styles.
As for the s word- that made me chuckle!
My wife knows how to love her, is an incredible mum and I love seeing how confident our bubba is as a result. I’m very proud of all that she has been and is with her, and I know that it is totally what’s best for monkey. Comes at a cost- but really I get it easy. My nips aren’t getting bitten!
Look forward to meeting at some point downstream good sir… 🙂
I absolutely love this blog, please please keep writing.
I can’t wait to show my other half as I feel he will really relate to it too.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who want to parent the attachment way, but is also drawn to every article and some books. Often I can find it stressful and find myself doubting myself, questioning – I am getting this ‘right’ for the most precious people in my world.
As a couple it has been hard at times too. My other half is opened minded but finds is hard to steer away from ‘conventional parenting’ to a certain extent I think it’s ingrained by society and the way you are parented.
It is hard to go against the gain with people/relatives that don’t get it too. And once you have children at school, as we do.
I have considered home ed but not something I feel I could do esp as we have four very young children.
But I much enjoyed reading your honest blog I hope to read more
🙂
Love to hear the perspective of a fellow AP Dad, keep it coming!
[…] And here’s Tim AitkenRead writing about being an attachment daddy: […]